Signs of (material) love

There are many ways to mark a wedding anniversary. One might have a nice dinner, go on a holiday getaway, have heaps of sex or simply get a divorce. But in our consumer society that we are still trying to keep afloat, giving gifts is usually the best way to go. What to give of course depends on how long one has been together. After all, those expensive gifts need to be earned.

The traditional way to start off, at the first anniversary, is to give something made of paper. Hence just a card is usually all one needs. Some fake flowers made out of paper could also be an option. Newspapers or toilet paper are usually frowned upon.

At the second anniversary we move to yet another material made out of processed plants – cotton. I guess the best thing to go with here are some nice big cotton undergarments. It says I love you, even if you dress like the generation that fought the second world war. This level of comfort with the other person only continues to grow by the third anniversary, where leather is the name of the game. At this stage you are probably ready for some S&M and it’s time to get some of those hot leather outfits.

After being together for four years it’s time to stop sleeping all over the place. You are getting older and the relationship is getting more mature. Hence it’s time for some linen. By the fifth year, one has to give wood. Though getting wood might already start to become a strain. Here is a more environmentally friendly idea. If after living together for five years and after seeing those cotton undies for the past three the man can still get some wood for his lady, I think that should be enough of a gift.

Reaching the first decade means getting something made out of tin. So this one is pretty easy. A tin can of tuna is all you need. The tricky one is the 14th. You have to give ivory. Which means packing up the bags and off to Africa to kill an elephant. But remember, you need to bring back ivory, not AIDS, so if tempted use a condom. Oh, and remember, monkeys like porn too.

Fifteen years after the wedding it’s time to get some expensive shit. So you get some crystal. Just to be clear, here we mean crystal glasses, vases, etc. not the drug. Five years later you get more kitchen shit, but this time it must be made out of china. Note carefully, made out of china, not made in China.

Finally you hit the first quarter mark at 25, and it’s time for some shiny silver. This will happen around “midlife-crisis” time, so silver genital jewellery is the best way to recapture your long gone youth. Then if you avoid any nasty infections and make it to 50, you trade up for gold. At this stage you are probably very old and getting gold teeth may be the most practical. It shows you care about the other person’s welfare and saves you from having to pre-chew everything for them at the same time.

If by some miracle you are still around ten years later, you sell what little you have left and take out a mortgage that your grandchildren will be responsible for and buy a diamond. Inexplicably the rules of etiquette also cover the unlikely event of an 80th anniversary. By this stage you are unlikely to be very mobile, and time for fleecing your descendants is long gone. So all you have to give is something oak. It is only at your 80th anniversary that you realise why moving to Canada was such a good idea. Well, apart from the fact that the rest of the globe south of Canada is at that stage most likely uninhabitable.

This traditional path of anniversary gifts is being superseded by modern etiquette. Here you start of with a Eames Lounge Chair. I don’t know what that is, but already we can see far more efficient consumerisms. Traditionally one had to wait for china 20 years, but now that’s what you get after just two years. And after a decade, tuna is replaced by diamond already. The jewellery stores have figured out that with the way modern marriages are going, waiting for the 60th anniversary will make for wee diamond sales indeed. So diamond is at number ten and number 30.

The new etiqutte also includes new items. Four years into it, you don’t get linen now, you get electrical appliances. “Here you go, my beloved, a vacuum cleaner just for you.” I’m quite fond of the 7th anniversary gift – pen and pencil set. Certainly not every year one gets to buy a wedding anniversary gift at Officeworks.

The 13th is indeed not a lucky one for furry animals, since their skin becomes the centre piece of this anniversary gift. And after 14 years of waiting for your beloved you finally get to fight back with a watch. Two years later you give each other a shoe rack. Apparently something you finally need, after 16 years of living together.

Modern etiquette does not mark the 80th anniversary. It calls it quits at 70 with something platinum. But do not despair. If you do succeed in having a long term relationship, it apparently is quite an achievement. You can get a Papal blessing or a card from Her Royal Highness, Lizzy II. Yes, you might cure cancer, stop global warming and resolve all issues in the Middle East, but it seems that is nothing compared to the almost insurmountable task of living with the same person for a long time. I’m guessing the secret then to achieving it has something to do with loving the other person and wanting to spend time with them and not spending all the time shopping. So for you next anniversary, just save some money for a change and spend some time together. At least the sex is free!